![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
torino10154 posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
firewhiskeyficTitle: HALLOWEEN SEX TOYS distributed by Gilderoy Lockhart
Author:amedia
I am of legal drinking age in my region: (yes/no) OH HELL YES I AM 63.
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: Main character is Gilderoy Lockhart. Three pairings: Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski (due South) and Zhu Hong/Ya Qing (Guardian). Also Alice/Frank Longbottom.
Challenge/Prompts used: the link to Halloween Sex Toys
Summary: Gilderoy gives out Halloween Sex Toys to visitors and inmates alike.
Rating/Warnings: Um. Mature? There are sex toys.
Word count: 1224
Author's Notes (if any): I had so much fun writing Gilderoy Lockahrt last year that I decided to keep him.
It was Gilderoy Lockhart's turn to distribute the Halloween candh fhor St. Mungos and everyone was very nervous about the whole idea.
Fortunately only adults were allowed to trick or treat there because of an inicdent some years ago involving very adult psychic-paper comic books that were imbued with suggestions of assorted sexual positions in which whoever looked atht ehm could imagine their favorite fictional characters. Or nonfictional acharacaters, or honest to goodness people or beings or whatever. FORTUNATELY those all went to grownups because once a few people got htem they let all their fireinwa know and droaves of adults lcamea and got them before t he achildren had a chance. Thank goodness.
(fireinwa is supposed to be f-r-i-e-n-d-z jsyk)
Lalst year the person who was uppooed to give out candy gave out health food like clif bars and ++++pistachioes and energy powders and stuff of that nature. NOBODY send their fireinwa back to get any of it. Zero stars, did not recommend. SO that person did not get to do it again this year.
(uppooed is of course supposed but you probly already got that)
That meant it was Gilderoy Lockhart's turn and he thought long and hard about what to give out. Heh heh I saild "long and hard" – well so did Gilderoy and that gave him ideas.
(Gilderoy means Gilderoy. I just had another gbig gollollop of soju but I cannot seem to misspell that man's name. Maybe it's like a Taboo on it.)
Gilderoy had two ideas, actually, wehich was a lot more than hais brain could normally hold but it was Halloween so he forced himself to manage it. Which he also did the previous week when he was having sex with Magnus … crap there's another latin word that means dick and I am a fraking latin teacher I should know this. I'ts the word for tail – oh! Magna Cauda, yeah. AKA Big Dick, like Dae Mul in Sungkyunkwan Scandal. Anyway, Ms. Magna Cauda who was aborn with a VERYY big dick got it on with Gilderoy and yes he managed it. Heh heh.
Anyway, once he was able to do that (wagles eybrows) he was also able to manage two thoughts and one time and he figured out that A) he could give out Halloween themed sex toys and B) he coule give them not only to visitors who came to the front door but he could also give some out within St. Mungos itself.
(Mungos. Not Mango! But I am having mango soju. It's really really good.)
The first group who came to the door were a couple of policemen from Chicago wexcept they weren't really, at least not both. One of them was from Canada. Anyway they were in London for their honeymoon. At first Gilderoy thought they must be members of the wizarding world because he didn't think Muggles had gay marriage yet, but apprently these guys were actually muggles but ahead of the crowd, because they didn't even recognize the name Ilvermoenyr. Anyway Gilderoy gave them each a nice treat – the fntasy monster tentacle for t he actual Chiago person and Gus the Ghost Dilodo for the Canadian guy in honor of his beautiful Mountie uniform (because the white color reminded him of snow) . They looked atht em and said, "Wow, let's get back to the hotel NOW!" so he was pretty sure they liked them.
Next came a very pretty Chinese woman with bright red lipstick. Lockhart reached in and sbagsed an item at random hoping it would please her. It was the skeletal hands that look like they're grabbing your boobs and he wa s concerned that was exactly the wrong thing but he gave them to her anyway because he figured there was a very chance that the universe at large was smarter than him. .She held them up and looked ATthem.
(sgagsed is "snagged" yeah I don't know either)
"Huh," she said and dropped them back in the bag.
Lockhart got brave. "You should show them to her," he said, holding his breath that there was an fact a "her" that this pretty lady wanted to show them too.
"You think so?" she asked, sounding genuinatly curious.
"I do," he nodded with a shade of his old confidence, which would have thrilled his therapist if he'd been there. Or aif hie'd had oen.
("aif hie'd had oen" is of course "if he'd had one" or possibly "Ilvermorny.") (and no I did not type that after sobering up I typed it right n owa.)
Aaand this is how Zhu Hong and Ya Qing finally got together much to relief of everyone who knew either of them which is actually quite a lot of people in the guaridan universe.
Once Gilderoy had emptied the bag he dedicated to the outside people (and he ran out of outside people anyway) he grabbed the other bag and began distribueing the toys within the hospital. He had not consulted the administrators about this and they probably wouldu have tidapproved like whoa.
There was a couple who had a room together in the permanent ward and he thought they should have thehir own choice of toys so he went there afirst. They had a funny name like Big Tushi or Extended Butt or something like tha.
He held out the bag to let them choose. Frank shuffled forward and rummaged around in it. His eyes seemed to clear for just a moment when he spotted the Vampire Noose Nipple Clamps. He pulled them out and held them out. "Alice!" he said. "Do you remember?"
She came over and looked at them, her vague, misty eyes momentarily clearing. "Oh, yes, Frank, I do," she said. "Let me see what else is in there, young mna," she said to Gilderoy, who held out the bag quite happily. She poked around for a few minutes.
"oh, my, Frank, look at this!!!"
"Did we ever have one?"
"no, I admired one in the store but it was much too expensive when we were young." She pulled out the Devil Tail Anal Plug and smiled at it dreamily . "I wanted one of tese SOOOO much," she said.
"You are welcome to have this one, dear lady," said Gilderoy, feeling weirdly subdued although he really didn't know why.
Alice held the devil tail and Frank held the nipple clamlps, and they moved toward each other like in a fantasy land wher ethey were free from everything. "Do you remember?" they as ked each other. ""I remember seeing this in the window and I was toing to buy it for you when we had a little money but ehten we had Neville." "Oh, and he was worth a hundred devil tail alnialhys plugs, wasn't he? So precious."
(alnialhys means anal and I don't know where theoe oether letters came int from sorry)
They turned to Gilderoy. "Have you seen Neville?"
"I can't remember anything, I'm so sorry," he said. "I think … " he grasped at fading wisps of memoryl. "I think he might be at that place. You know. BoarBlister's? PigExcrescence? Something like that. kinda sorta."
They thanked him to a ridiculous extend and he felt like he had done something maybe nice. Then he went to many other rooms and gave out many other ridiculous objecs and hoped everyone enjoyed them at least a much as he enjoyed going around and giving them o tu.
Author:
amediaI am of legal drinking age in my region: (yes/no) OH HELL YES I AM 63.
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: Main character is Gilderoy Lockhart. Three pairings: Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski (due South) and Zhu Hong/Ya Qing (Guardian). Also Alice/Frank Longbottom.
Challenge/Prompts used: the link to Halloween Sex Toys
Summary: Gilderoy gives out Halloween Sex Toys to visitors and inmates alike.
Rating/Warnings: Um. Mature? There are sex toys.
Word count: 1224
Author's Notes (if any): I had so much fun writing Gilderoy Lockahrt last year that I decided to keep him.
It was Gilderoy Lockhart's turn to distribute the Halloween candh fhor St. Mungos and everyone was very nervous about the whole idea.
Fortunately only adults were allowed to trick or treat there because of an inicdent some years ago involving very adult psychic-paper comic books that were imbued with suggestions of assorted sexual positions in which whoever looked atht ehm could imagine their favorite fictional characters. Or nonfictional acharacaters, or honest to goodness people or beings or whatever. FORTUNATELY those all went to grownups because once a few people got htem they let all their fireinwa know and droaves of adults lcamea and got them before t he achildren had a chance. Thank goodness.
(fireinwa is supposed to be f-r-i-e-n-d-z jsyk)
Lalst year the person who was uppooed to give out candy gave out health food like clif bars and ++++pistachioes and energy powders and stuff of that nature. NOBODY send their fireinwa back to get any of it. Zero stars, did not recommend. SO that person did not get to do it again this year.
(uppooed is of course supposed but you probly already got that)
That meant it was Gilderoy Lockhart's turn and he thought long and hard about what to give out. Heh heh I saild "long and hard" – well so did Gilderoy and that gave him ideas.
(Gilderoy means Gilderoy. I just had another gbig gollollop of soju but I cannot seem to misspell that man's name. Maybe it's like a Taboo on it.)
Gilderoy had two ideas, actually, wehich was a lot more than hais brain could normally hold but it was Halloween so he forced himself to manage it. Which he also did the previous week when he was having sex with Magnus … crap there's another latin word that means dick and I am a fraking latin teacher I should know this. I'ts the word for tail – oh! Magna Cauda, yeah. AKA Big Dick, like Dae Mul in Sungkyunkwan Scandal. Anyway, Ms. Magna Cauda who was aborn with a VERYY big dick got it on with Gilderoy and yes he managed it. Heh heh.
Anyway, once he was able to do that (wagles eybrows) he was also able to manage two thoughts and one time and he figured out that A) he could give out Halloween themed sex toys and B) he coule give them not only to visitors who came to the front door but he could also give some out within St. Mungos itself.
(Mungos. Not Mango! But I am having mango soju. It's really really good.)
The first group who came to the door were a couple of policemen from Chicago wexcept they weren't really, at least not both. One of them was from Canada. Anyway they were in London for their honeymoon. At first Gilderoy thought they must be members of the wizarding world because he didn't think Muggles had gay marriage yet, but apprently these guys were actually muggles but ahead of the crowd, because they didn't even recognize the name Ilvermoenyr. Anyway Gilderoy gave them each a nice treat – the fntasy monster tentacle for t he actual Chiago person and Gus the Ghost Dilodo for the Canadian guy in honor of his beautiful Mountie uniform (because the white color reminded him of snow) . They looked atht em and said, "Wow, let's get back to the hotel NOW!" so he was pretty sure they liked them.
Next came a very pretty Chinese woman with bright red lipstick. Lockhart reached in and sbagsed an item at random hoping it would please her. It was the skeletal hands that look like they're grabbing your boobs and he wa s concerned that was exactly the wrong thing but he gave them to her anyway because he figured there was a very chance that the universe at large was smarter than him. .She held them up and looked ATthem.
(sgagsed is "snagged" yeah I don't know either)
"Huh," she said and dropped them back in the bag.
Lockhart got brave. "You should show them to her," he said, holding his breath that there was an fact a "her" that this pretty lady wanted to show them too.
"You think so?" she asked, sounding genuinatly curious.
"I do," he nodded with a shade of his old confidence, which would have thrilled his therapist if he'd been there. Or aif hie'd had oen.
("aif hie'd had oen" is of course "if he'd had one" or possibly "Ilvermorny.") (and no I did not type that after sobering up I typed it right n owa.)
Aaand this is how Zhu Hong and Ya Qing finally got together much to relief of everyone who knew either of them which is actually quite a lot of people in the guaridan universe.
Once Gilderoy had emptied the bag he dedicated to the outside people (and he ran out of outside people anyway) he grabbed the other bag and began distribueing the toys within the hospital. He had not consulted the administrators about this and they probably wouldu have tidapproved like whoa.
There was a couple who had a room together in the permanent ward and he thought they should have thehir own choice of toys so he went there afirst. They had a funny name like Big Tushi or Extended Butt or something like tha.
He held out the bag to let them choose. Frank shuffled forward and rummaged around in it. His eyes seemed to clear for just a moment when he spotted the Vampire Noose Nipple Clamps. He pulled them out and held them out. "Alice!" he said. "Do you remember?"
She came over and looked at them, her vague, misty eyes momentarily clearing. "Oh, yes, Frank, I do," she said. "Let me see what else is in there, young mna," she said to Gilderoy, who held out the bag quite happily. She poked around for a few minutes.
"oh, my, Frank, look at this!!!"
"Did we ever have one?"
"no, I admired one in the store but it was much too expensive when we were young." She pulled out the Devil Tail Anal Plug and smiled at it dreamily . "I wanted one of tese SOOOO much," she said.
"You are welcome to have this one, dear lady," said Gilderoy, feeling weirdly subdued although he really didn't know why.
Alice held the devil tail and Frank held the nipple clamlps, and they moved toward each other like in a fantasy land wher ethey were free from everything. "Do you remember?" they as ked each other. ""I remember seeing this in the window and I was toing to buy it for you when we had a little money but ehten we had Neville." "Oh, and he was worth a hundred devil tail alnialhys plugs, wasn't he? So precious."
(alnialhys means anal and I don't know where theoe oether letters came int from sorry)
They turned to Gilderoy. "Have you seen Neville?"
"I can't remember anything, I'm so sorry," he said. "I think … " he grasped at fading wisps of memoryl. "I think he might be at that place. You know. BoarBlister's? PigExcrescence? Something like that. kinda sorta."
They thanked him to a ridiculous extend and he felt like he had done something maybe nice. Then he went to many other rooms and gave out many other ridiculous objecs and hoped everyone enjoyed them at least a much as he enjoyed going around and giving them o tu.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-07 03:05 am (UTC)I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! Isn't that always the way, the everyday words fly out the window, but the random easily fuck-up-able words are solid throughout. 🤣🤣
I also love that it was the miracle of magical sex toys that finally restored their memory of their son. 😍😍
no subject
Date: 2025-10-13 02:49 am (UTC)I also love that it was the miracle of magical sex toys that finally restored their memory of their son. Thank you so much for your lovely comments - I appreciate them so much!
no subject
Date: 2025-10-08 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-13 02:50 am (UTC)Of all of them, I think my favorite was "++++pistachioes" Hee! I had NO idea where that one came from!!! I was positioning my fingers to delete all the plus signs and then I realized, no, it's FWF, I need to leave them in!!!
Thanks for the great comments!
no subject
Date: 2025-10-09 03:37 pm (UTC)alnialhys means anal
Of course it does. ROFL
no subject
Date: 2025-10-13 02:51 am (UTC)💙💙💙
Date: 2025-10-10 12:37 am (UTC)This is pure Firewhiskey.
Re: 💙💙💙
Date: 2025-10-13 02:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-10 03:15 am (UTC)And such a wonderful moment with Frank and Alice! (as well as the other folks mentioned). Our sweet Neville is worth a hundred Devil Tale Anal Plugs!! hahahahaha Someone needs to cross-stitch that on a pillow :D
Good old Gildy. I loved that his therapist would have been so proud of him if he had had one. I definiely was. LOL
no subject
Date: 2025-10-13 02:56 am (UTC)Thank you for the super sweet comments!!! *happy dance*
no subject
Date: 2025-10-11 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-13 02:57 am (UTC)I am honored by your Wielding of the Red Pen nearly unto its Death!
And I am very grateful to you for introducing me to this community. ♥
no subject
Date: 2025-10-11 07:02 pm (UTC)Oh, this was genuiinely sweet. I was not expecting that
no subject
Date: 2025-10-13 02:58 am (UTC)Neither was I! The fic took quite the unexpected turn - one of the beautiful things about Firewhiskey Fic!!!
Thank you for the lovely comment. ♥