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firewhiskeyficTitle: he's every fucking where
Author:sdk
I am of legal drinking age in my region: for sure
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: ted lasso: ted lasso/roy kent/coach beard aslo someone named coach bread shows up randomly, idk what that's about, surely not the alcohol or anything
Challenge/Prompts used: fuck...what were the promps again??? um. tiptoe through the tulips, sex pollen, on heat and this whole thing is riddikulus if that counts (i know it does not, pity!)
Summary: Roy has a problem and only ted and coach bread can help. or coach beard. jfc, one of them anyway.
Rating/Warnings: R for language. light to no smut because i ran out of steam, so sorry! also i mean, i'm warning for language and i put fucking in the title but sure.
Word count: ~1400
Author's Notes (if any): whoops, i think i used all the other parts of my header for the notes, lol, also i'm sorry!
Roy Kent, Roy Kent, he's here, he's there, he's every fucking where. The fanchant echoes in Ted's head when Roy walks into a room, like an earworm he can't escape. Even by playing Escape , you know, the pina colada song, on repeat for an hour, though to be fair , he's never tried that while Roy is in the actual room. Does he actually have that song downloaded onto his phone? He could borrow coach Beard's earbuds for an hours, he's sure Coah cwouldn't mind, but as Ted scrolls through his itunes playlist, his tumb accidentally presses play and a hgih-ptiched operatic tiny tim rings out through the coach's office from his tiny phone speakers.
Tiptoe through the window
By the window, that is where I'll be...
There is nothing for it; Ted doesn't know what to do other than sing along, but he barely gets through "Come tiptoe through the tulips with me" (in a baritone that he believes nicely compliments Tiny Tim's falsetto) when he catches Coach Bread's eye and the slow shake of his head...no.
"All right, you caught me," Ted says, swiftly pressing pause. "I'm a huge tiny tim fan. Did you know he described finding his range a religious experience? that he could sing that high? it's definitely a religeous experience to me, i'll tell you god almighty." Ted slaps his thigh in...what's that word? oh jesus, i've already lost the plot. EMPAHSIS. that's it. Ted slaps his thigh ewiht emphsis (if that even means anything anymore) and he realizes he's babbling, but Ted's sort of known for babbling so that's not all that strange. ANd no one likely knows he's still chanting Roy Kent in his head throughout this whole conversation.
Roy glowers at him, and that's a familar sight, so Ted doesn't take it to heart, but there's an edge of pain to that glower that has Ted converned.
"You okay, Roy?"
Roiy growls under his breath.
"I can't tell if that's a 'yes' grownl or a 'nope' growl, can you coach beard?"
:"Nope," Coach bread says, always delightfully succict.
"See, nt even coach beard can tell, Roy."
"It's a nope growl." Coach Bread says, sounding very annoyed that he was forced to eludicate his answer. Coach bread prefers not to speak more than one or two words at a time this early in the morning, and Ted can sympathize. He's really off his game today.
Roy grunts in assent and Ted mentally congraluates himself for correctly identifing roy's agreement.
"I need help," Roy says slwoly in that rough gravelly voice of his that sometimes makes Ted weak in the knees if he's honest with himself and though Ted tries very hard to be honest with himself most of the time, he will admit when it comes to Roy and weak knees, sometimes it's easier to lie.
"oooh this is a diamond dogs situation, sin't it? Shall we call in the dogs? well really just leslie (i fucking forgot his last name that everyone calls him because barely anyone uses leslie omg, but you know who i mean, wtf) is missing but if we give a loud enough howl, I'm sure he'll be here lickity split!"
"No," Roy says before Ted can even round his lips in preperation for what was sure to be a most impressive howl. "No fucking dogs. Just... you. I ruyst you."
Coach Beard gets up to leave and Roy barks, "Stay. I mean you as in both of you. And I'm gonna fucking eneed both of you. Close the door. Shut the blinds."
"Just say y'all then next time and no one has to get their feelings hurt>' Ted says as Coach beard does exctly as asked. Ted's known Beard long enough to recognize that he's enjoying being bossed around a bit. But that isn't a revelation to Ted.
But what happens next is. After the door is closed and the blinds are shut, the noise from the team filtering into the locker room fading ato a murmuir, Roy Kent starts to undo his trousers. HBe oushes them and his tight black boxer briefs down to his hips and raises his shirt. ANd for once, Ted is quiet as a mouse, because what can a mouse say when coming face to face with Roy Kent's impressive erection?
Coach Beard asks the question, thankfully, as Ted at the present time, can not.
"What seems to be the problem?" Coach Beard's throat sounds a bit dry, which comforts Ted, as clearly he's not the only one affected by this turn of events.
"It's not curved," Ted dsays without meaning oto.
"Oi, my face is up here. ANd no, it's not curved, it never was curved, I just do this thing with my hips and... what are you doing reading tabloid articles about my dick?"
"I mean sometimes, I'm just on my feed, and there are those rcommended articles and you know, I read a lot about football and Richmond of course, to see what they're saying about us, it's not like I googled Roy Kent's penis to search out the information, because I don't agree with those tabloids reporting on your personal life, that is just crossing the line and your penius, curved or not, is not anyone's business and I can very well see, it's not curved--"
"Coach," Beard breaks in, thankfully because Ted did not know where his mouth was going to take him next. "you're spining out."
"Yes, indeed I am. So uh, what is the problem and how can we help?" Ted asks, trying to sound like a reasonable, caring friend and not someone who is just staring at his friend's truly girhty flushed erection.
"It's been this way for a week."
"A week?" Ted says, weakly.
"It's like I'm on heat or affected by some sort of horny pollen from a horny flower... like, what is it fucking called?"
"Sex pollen," Coach Beard says with confidence, which blows Ted's mind because he's never in his life heard of a flower that can cause you to have an erection for a week.
"yeah, fucking sex pollen," Roy says,.
"What in the world is sex pollen?" Ted wonders if the sight of Roy's reection has mangled his brain oso much that everyone is suddenly speaking a different language. "We're still in London, right? Y'all speak English here."
"sex pollen is a common trope used in fanfiction to compel two or more characters into having sex. Usually the compulsion can only be cured through sexual activity," Coach beard informs him.
"Yes, that's fucking it," Roy says.
"I never knew you read fanfiction, Coach Beard."
"I have my secrets."
"you are a very mysterious man, I'll give you that."
"Oi," Roy yells, snapping both of their attentions back to him. "Can we get back to my fucking problem?"
"Well, sure, I mena... yes, that is a problem."
"I've tried wanking, and it's no good. I need to fuck someone, possibly several someone's and I'd like it to be you two. If you're ammenable."
Ted swallows nervously. Ammenable. That's a funny word for this. Ammenable. Like, we could have mexican tonight if you're ammenable. How about a movie, if you're ammenable. Not, I could bend you over this desk, if you're ammenable. Ammenable.
"It's all right if you're not," Roy says. And for the first time in several long minutes Ted manages to drag his gaze away from Roy's unbelievable erection to his dark steely eyes. Only they're not quite so steely right now, but soft around the edges. His jaw is squared and hard but it's not so difficult to see Roy is hiding his vulnerability.
ANd Ted decides right then and there that it's time for him to stop lying to himself. About Roy Kent's gravely voice and his own weak knees, and that giant, lovely erection.
"I'm ammediable." Terd say.s
He catches the sight of Coach Beard arlready braced against the desk with his trousers dropped to the floor. "Don't have to ask me twice," he says. ANd Ted smiles. Being honest with yourself isn't so scary, and Coach Beard makes it look easy.
Roy Kent, Roy Kent, he's here, he's there, he's every fucking where.
The fanchant is never gonna leave Ted's head and he's just fine with that.
Author:
sdkI am of legal drinking age in my region: for sure
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: ted lasso: ted lasso/roy kent/coach beard aslo someone named coach bread shows up randomly, idk what that's about, surely not the alcohol or anything
Challenge/Prompts used: fuck...what were the promps again??? um. tiptoe through the tulips, sex pollen, on heat and this whole thing is riddikulus if that counts (i know it does not, pity!)
Summary: Roy has a problem and only ted and coach bread can help. or coach beard. jfc, one of them anyway.
Rating/Warnings: R for language. light to no smut because i ran out of steam, so sorry! also i mean, i'm warning for language and i put fucking in the title but sure.
Word count: ~1400
Author's Notes (if any): whoops, i think i used all the other parts of my header for the notes, lol, also i'm sorry!
Roy Kent, Roy Kent, he's here, he's there, he's every fucking where. The fanchant echoes in Ted's head when Roy walks into a room, like an earworm he can't escape. Even by playing Escape , you know, the pina colada song, on repeat for an hour, though to be fair , he's never tried that while Roy is in the actual room. Does he actually have that song downloaded onto his phone? He could borrow coach Beard's earbuds for an hours, he's sure Coah cwouldn't mind, but as Ted scrolls through his itunes playlist, his tumb accidentally presses play and a hgih-ptiched operatic tiny tim rings out through the coach's office from his tiny phone speakers.
Tiptoe through the window
By the window, that is where I'll be...
There is nothing for it; Ted doesn't know what to do other than sing along, but he barely gets through "Come tiptoe through the tulips with me" (in a baritone that he believes nicely compliments Tiny Tim's falsetto) when he catches Coach Bread's eye and the slow shake of his head...no.
"All right, you caught me," Ted says, swiftly pressing pause. "I'm a huge tiny tim fan. Did you know he described finding his range a religious experience? that he could sing that high? it's definitely a religeous experience to me, i'll tell you god almighty." Ted slaps his thigh in...what's that word? oh jesus, i've already lost the plot. EMPAHSIS. that's it. Ted slaps his thigh ewiht emphsis (if that even means anything anymore) and he realizes he's babbling, but Ted's sort of known for babbling so that's not all that strange. ANd no one likely knows he's still chanting Roy Kent in his head throughout this whole conversation.
Roy glowers at him, and that's a familar sight, so Ted doesn't take it to heart, but there's an edge of pain to that glower that has Ted converned.
"You okay, Roy?"
Roiy growls under his breath.
"I can't tell if that's a 'yes' grownl or a 'nope' growl, can you coach beard?"
:"Nope," Coach bread says, always delightfully succict.
"See, nt even coach beard can tell, Roy."
"It's a nope growl." Coach Bread says, sounding very annoyed that he was forced to eludicate his answer. Coach bread prefers not to speak more than one or two words at a time this early in the morning, and Ted can sympathize. He's really off his game today.
Roy grunts in assent and Ted mentally congraluates himself for correctly identifing roy's agreement.
"I need help," Roy says slwoly in that rough gravelly voice of his that sometimes makes Ted weak in the knees if he's honest with himself and though Ted tries very hard to be honest with himself most of the time, he will admit when it comes to Roy and weak knees, sometimes it's easier to lie.
"oooh this is a diamond dogs situation, sin't it? Shall we call in the dogs? well really just leslie (i fucking forgot his last name that everyone calls him because barely anyone uses leslie omg, but you know who i mean, wtf) is missing but if we give a loud enough howl, I'm sure he'll be here lickity split!"
"No," Roy says before Ted can even round his lips in preperation for what was sure to be a most impressive howl. "No fucking dogs. Just... you. I ruyst you."
Coach Beard gets up to leave and Roy barks, "Stay. I mean you as in both of you. And I'm gonna fucking eneed both of you. Close the door. Shut the blinds."
"Just say y'all then next time and no one has to get their feelings hurt>' Ted says as Coach beard does exctly as asked. Ted's known Beard long enough to recognize that he's enjoying being bossed around a bit. But that isn't a revelation to Ted.
But what happens next is. After the door is closed and the blinds are shut, the noise from the team filtering into the locker room fading ato a murmuir, Roy Kent starts to undo his trousers. HBe oushes them and his tight black boxer briefs down to his hips and raises his shirt. ANd for once, Ted is quiet as a mouse, because what can a mouse say when coming face to face with Roy Kent's impressive erection?
Coach Beard asks the question, thankfully, as Ted at the present time, can not.
"What seems to be the problem?" Coach Beard's throat sounds a bit dry, which comforts Ted, as clearly he's not the only one affected by this turn of events.
"It's not curved," Ted dsays without meaning oto.
"Oi, my face is up here. ANd no, it's not curved, it never was curved, I just do this thing with my hips and... what are you doing reading tabloid articles about my dick?"
"I mean sometimes, I'm just on my feed, and there are those rcommended articles and you know, I read a lot about football and Richmond of course, to see what they're saying about us, it's not like I googled Roy Kent's penis to search out the information, because I don't agree with those tabloids reporting on your personal life, that is just crossing the line and your penius, curved or not, is not anyone's business and I can very well see, it's not curved--"
"Coach," Beard breaks in, thankfully because Ted did not know where his mouth was going to take him next. "you're spining out."
"Yes, indeed I am. So uh, what is the problem and how can we help?" Ted asks, trying to sound like a reasonable, caring friend and not someone who is just staring at his friend's truly girhty flushed erection.
"It's been this way for a week."
"A week?" Ted says, weakly.
"It's like I'm on heat or affected by some sort of horny pollen from a horny flower... like, what is it fucking called?"
"Sex pollen," Coach Beard says with confidence, which blows Ted's mind because he's never in his life heard of a flower that can cause you to have an erection for a week.
"yeah, fucking sex pollen," Roy says,.
"What in the world is sex pollen?" Ted wonders if the sight of Roy's reection has mangled his brain oso much that everyone is suddenly speaking a different language. "We're still in London, right? Y'all speak English here."
"sex pollen is a common trope used in fanfiction to compel two or more characters into having sex. Usually the compulsion can only be cured through sexual activity," Coach beard informs him.
"Yes, that's fucking it," Roy says.
"I never knew you read fanfiction, Coach Beard."
"I have my secrets."
"you are a very mysterious man, I'll give you that."
"Oi," Roy yells, snapping both of their attentions back to him. "Can we get back to my fucking problem?"
"Well, sure, I mena... yes, that is a problem."
"I've tried wanking, and it's no good. I need to fuck someone, possibly several someone's and I'd like it to be you two. If you're ammenable."
Ted swallows nervously. Ammenable. That's a funny word for this. Ammenable. Like, we could have mexican tonight if you're ammenable. How about a movie, if you're ammenable. Not, I could bend you over this desk, if you're ammenable. Ammenable.
"It's all right if you're not," Roy says. And for the first time in several long minutes Ted manages to drag his gaze away from Roy's unbelievable erection to his dark steely eyes. Only they're not quite so steely right now, but soft around the edges. His jaw is squared and hard but it's not so difficult to see Roy is hiding his vulnerability.
ANd Ted decides right then and there that it's time for him to stop lying to himself. About Roy Kent's gravely voice and his own weak knees, and that giant, lovely erection.
"I'm ammediable." Terd say.s
He catches the sight of Coach Beard arlready braced against the desk with his trousers dropped to the floor. "Don't have to ask me twice," he says. ANd Ted smiles. Being honest with yourself isn't so scary, and Coach Beard makes it look easy.
Roy Kent, Roy Kent, he's here, he's there, he's every fucking where.
The fanchant is never gonna leave Ted's head and he's just fine with that.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-04 07:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-10 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-06 08:28 pm (UTC)There is legit comedy here that I like the who 'yes or no growl?' thing with Beard/Bread being annoyed at having to "elucidate" (nice word) their answer.
And lol at the hidden depths he's conveniently knowledgeable about fanfic tropes. Very nice MA!
no subject
Date: 2023-04-10 10:59 pm (UTC)Thank you!!
Ammenable
Date: 2023-04-07 01:23 am (UTC)Quoting back the best bits of this would involve quoting the entire story. This is brilliant and I could totally hear all of their voices saying these lines.
Re: Ammenable
Date: 2023-04-10 11:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-08 12:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-10 11:01 pm (UTC)Thank you! <3
no subject
Date: 2023-04-10 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-10 11:03 pm (UTC)Thank you! :D