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firewhiskeyficTitle: Naked Hagrid. Naked Hagrid’s Penis.
Author:sabethea
I am of legal drinking age in my region: so yes
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: Sirius/Remus, Hagrid/Centaur
Challenge/Prompts used: all of the buggers
Summary:Hagrid, stripped bare and dancing nude in the Forbidden Forest, was a sight to see, Sirius Black mused. And could not stop musing on, all through the night (and next morning)’s shenanigans with the other Marauders.
Rating/Warnings: M
Word count: 2126
Author's Notes (if any): Yeah, sorry. Sirius got a bit obsessive.
Hagrid, stripped bare and dancing nude in the Forbidden Forest, was a sight to see, Sirius Black mused. Not, he would be the first to admit, a sight that Sirius had ever wanted to see, nor hoped to see again, but certainly A Sight. “A Sight” very much with Capital Letters. If Sirius hadn’t been a dog at the time, he’d have said as much to the other Marauders, but as it was, the best he could do was a plaintive whine and a butt into the side of Moony’s flank to try and herd him away from the vision before them all.
At least, Sirius thought, Hagrid would have no idea that he had been seen by human eyes – if, that was, you could count their eyes in animagus form as ‘human’: a philosophical conundrum for another time – given that (a) Hagrid himself was too busy frolicking (frolicking, oh Merlin, his penis was frolicking too, bobbing up and down as if engaged in its own little dance) in the ice and snow, and (b) the Marauders were currently in the forms of a stag, rat, werewolf and dog.
The full moon had left very little to the imagination, and Hagrid had had a lot to share. No need for enlargement charms before finding a lovely lady or gent for him, Sirius thought – and then wished he hadn’t, as he was now thinking about Hagrid having sex, and oh Merlin’s balls, kill him now. (And never mind Merlin’s balls, he’d seen Hagrid’s, oh gods, why couldn’t he stop thinking about this?)
Thankfully, by this time, Prongs and he had managed to persuade the werewolf that they needed to be headed in a completely different direction, away from… just away. Just. Away. Sirius had stood up Marlene Mackinnon for this. He could have been cuddling by the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room, or up to something more sexy in an unused classroom somewhere. There was a good one on the fifth floor that literally no one but the Marauders ever went to… unless it was a girl with a Marauder, that was. Well. A girl with Sirius. James was hung up on Lily, Peter was seeing that bird in Hufflepuff but all they did was kiss chastely between classes, and Remus? Remus refused to date anyone, pointing out that he couldn’t tell them about his furry little problem and getting close to anyone without telling them that wouldn’t be fair or wise.
“Bad enough you three know,” he had said, leading Sirius to shove him off his own bed in indignation. “No point getting anyone else involved.”
“Especially a girl,” said Peter, with a worldly-wise air that Sirius had done his best not to laugh at.
Remus had agreed, but with a strange awkwardness that Sirius had put down to his usual dislike of sexist comments, but he sometimes wondered whether Remus too didn’t have thoughts about other guys. Sirius liked birds, definitely; but that didn’t mean he hadn’t ever wondered about batting for the other team as well. But not Hagrid, he thought with a shudder, once again visualising the other man stripped bare and having to replace it in his mind hastily with the thought of someone else; it was, of course, only because he’d just been thinking of Remus that his mind turned to him. He’d seen Remus with nothing on often enough, of course; the young man woke up that way from transformations, clothes left neatly on the Shrieking Shack’s bed for when he felt strong enough to pull them on. It wasn’t like being an animagus where your clothes came with you.
And Remus was definitely a darn sight more attractive than… Remus was definitely attractive. He had a strong, lean body, which no one who had only seen him dressed would have guessed at. Clothed, dressed as he normally did, in oversized jumpers and loose-fitting trousers, he looked lanky at best. No one would have guessed at the muscular torso and firm thighs his clothes covered. And… not that Sirius had been looking, obviously, and it wasn’t like it drew attention like – oh Merlin no, he had to stop it with the Hagrid comparisions – but anyway, Remus had a nice cock, okay? And if Sirius had wondered what it might be like to touch it sometimes, well, blokes wondered that sort of thing about one of their best friends all the time, didn’t they?
There’d been that glorious time where they’d all been staying with the Potters, and Sirius and Remus had been sharing a room, and Remus had been less reserved about changing than he usually was in the dormitory (something Sirius always found a bit odd, given that once a month they all saw him in the nude anyway). Sirius had just been relaxing to the point that he’d been thinking that maybe he might suggest to Remus that they might try – well, just making out, or something, when Remus had said firmly that it was time that he went home, insisting that,
“Guests, like fish, start to smell after three days.”
Sirius had sniffed himself indignantly and said, “Speak for yourself! I brought changes of clothes, anyway – and come to that, so did you!”
“I was speaking for myself.” Remus had smiled. “And it’s not a literal saying, Pads. It just means that I don’t want to outstay your welcome.”
“Oh my dear, as if you could,” Euphemia Potter had said warmly, kissing his cheek. “Must you go?”
“Yeah, do you have to?” James asked, disappointed.
But Remus, with a blushing glance at both Euphemia, had nodded.
“I think it would be better. Thanks for having me, Mrs Potter.”
Sirius had just got this far down memory lane when he realised that James was prodding him in a sensitive part of his anatomy with his antlers to try and get him to move. When he looked round, the stag jerked his head towards the sky and Sirius realised that the night was turning to morning and it was time that the lot of them were returning to the Shack. The four Marauders, that was. Hagrid would hopefully stay out of sight, even if he couldn’t stay out of mind, as far as Sirius was concerned.
However, he found as they all turned back as the moon set that he was not alone.
“My eyes, my eyes,” James moaned dramatically.
Remus, who had just painfully dragged himself from the floor to get his clothes, looked a little offended.
“Am I that terrible to look at?” he asked.
“Ah, Moony, not you. You can moon us any time! But fuck, what do you remember of the night?” James asked.
“Jamie! I’ve been trying to forget,” Sirius whined.
“Naked! He was naked!” Peter put in.
Sirius got up and helped Remus over to his clothes, denying even to himself that it was a useful chance to get his hands on the other young man’s undressed body.
“Who was na- oh mother Mary,” said Remus, whose mother’s Catholic upbringing came back to him at unexpected moments.
“No, it wasn’t her,” said Sirius, whose sense of humour did the same.
“I don’t remember things clearly when I’m wolfed out, you lot know that,” said Remus slowly, pulling pants on rather to Sirius’s disappointment, “but… Hagrid?”
“Yes.”
“And the centaur?”
“What?” screeched James, who could get impressively high pitched at times.
“I looked back as you were ushering me away, because I think I was convinced there was good prey involved. No one else saw the centaur and Hagrid?”
“I did,” said Peter reluctantly, “but I was hoping it was a hallucination.”
“They were having a nice conversation,” James said firmly, “weren’t they?”
“They were fucking,” said Remus, who could be, thought Sirius, unnecessarily blunt about things sometimes.
“They were having a nice conversation and a cup of tea and the centaur brought him some clothes,” said James, even more firmly, and a little desperately.
“Prongs… they really weren’t,” Peter said.
“Yes,” said James, who looked on the point of pulling out all of his hair and handing it round as trophies to Remus and Peter for causing this much angst, “tea and cakes in the Forest. Very nice. Very Hagrid to have cakes in the Forest in midwinter on a full moon.”
“Dude,” said Sirius, unable to resist when Prongs had got himself in such a tizzy, “Hagrid was doing the full moon, you saw that much yourself. As to his penis, that was doing a mating dance all of its own, and clearly it worked, which is the scary part if you ask me.”
“No one did ask you!” James was getting high pitched again. “No one ever asks you, Sirius, you just tell us!”
“Remus was the one who mentioned fucking,” Sirius said indignantly. “I’m just the one who’s had naked Hagrid penis in my brain all night and had to remove it by thinking about Remus naked.”
“...”
“!!!”
Sirius stopped suddenly, realising what he’d just said. “Um.” The other three were looking at him, Remus half-dressed now, one sock on and the other still held in one hand. “So. You know, as a sort of palate cleanser?”
Apparently, by the way they were still all staring at him, they did not all know. Pete looked shocked and slightly horrified. James had his mouth open and was gaping like a guppy. Remus was looking bewildered, quizzical and not a little embarrassed.
“Pads,” James said slowly, “most people would think of a girl as a palate cleanser. I thought you were supposed to be with Marlene tonight?”
“How would her penis get rid of Hagrid’s?” Sirius asked. “I mean...” he added as the others looked at him with even more bewilderment, “she doesn’t even have a penis obviously. Which is the problem. If you’re trying to stop thinking of one cock, tits aren’t the answer, are they?”
“Well, yes,” said James and Peter together, while,
“You were thinking of my cock?” asked Remus.
“Erm, no?” Sirius said unconvincingly.
“You’re straight,” Remus said, the forgotten sock still hanging from his hand (Sirius was now fixated on the sock to try and stop himself from thinking about how mortified he was by this conversation).
Sirius was tempted to say “erm, no” again, but he thought that maybe he’d better go for something a bit more eloquent than that. How to come out to your mates, he thought ruefully, a “don’t do it this way” guide.
“Yeah, maybe not entirely? I’ve kind of thought for some time that I wouldn’t mind batting for either team, if you get my drift?”
“Given you’ve just been going on about penises, I think we’ve all got your drift,” James said dryly.
“You gonna disown me as a friend now?” Sirius asked, swallowing hard, and trying to make the question sound casual and not needy.
“Yeah, cos I’m just the sort of person who’d ditch their brother because he liked guys, thank you so much for your confidence Mr Padfoot,” James said, standing up to give Sirius a hug. “Twat. Like I care who the fuck you like, s’long as it isn’t the Great Squid.”
“Yeah, as long as you’re not interested in my penis, whatever,” Peter added, clearly not quite as okay about it, but trying hard – which Sirius almost appreciated more.
“Don’t worry, Pete, your virginity’s safe with me,” he teased.
“Moony?” he asked, scared of the answer.
“How could I object?” Remus finally realised he was holding one yellow sock and put it down on the bed, before continuing. “You know,” he said quietly, “I thought ‘they accepted werewolf; I’m not sure whether they’d accept gay werewolf’. But I think maybe you all might? And as to – ooomph...”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence because both Sirius and James had bundled him up in an epic Marauders Hug, leaving him flat on his back on the bed under their combined weight. It was made worse when, slightly hesitantly, Peter joined in. When, finally, they untangled themselves, Remus tried again to finish his sentence.
“And as to thinking of my cock, Sirius, I’d be flattered.” He gave a mischievous grin. “It might excuse some of the less pure thoughts I’ve had about you, after all.”
“Do tell!” Sirius said.
“No!” chorused Peter and James.
“Later,” Remus promised. “For now, I’m getting the feeling that if I made a move to kiss you, you might not object?”
“I definitely would not.” Sirius grinned, turning to Peter. “Two poofters in your dorm, Pete, but looks like you’re pretty safe after all, we’re hot for each other.”
“And just think,” said Peter wickedly, “you have a naked Hagrid to thank for the fact that you found out...”
Author:
sabetheaI am of legal drinking age in my region: so yes
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: Sirius/Remus, Hagrid/Centaur
Challenge/Prompts used: all of the buggers
Summary:Hagrid, stripped bare and dancing nude in the Forbidden Forest, was a sight to see, Sirius Black mused. And could not stop musing on, all through the night (and next morning)’s shenanigans with the other Marauders.
Rating/Warnings: M
Word count: 2126
Author's Notes (if any): Yeah, sorry. Sirius got a bit obsessive.
Hagrid, stripped bare and dancing nude in the Forbidden Forest, was a sight to see, Sirius Black mused. Not, he would be the first to admit, a sight that Sirius had ever wanted to see, nor hoped to see again, but certainly A Sight. “A Sight” very much with Capital Letters. If Sirius hadn’t been a dog at the time, he’d have said as much to the other Marauders, but as it was, the best he could do was a plaintive whine and a butt into the side of Moony’s flank to try and herd him away from the vision before them all.
At least, Sirius thought, Hagrid would have no idea that he had been seen by human eyes – if, that was, you could count their eyes in animagus form as ‘human’: a philosophical conundrum for another time – given that (a) Hagrid himself was too busy frolicking (frolicking, oh Merlin, his penis was frolicking too, bobbing up and down as if engaged in its own little dance) in the ice and snow, and (b) the Marauders were currently in the forms of a stag, rat, werewolf and dog.
The full moon had left very little to the imagination, and Hagrid had had a lot to share. No need for enlargement charms before finding a lovely lady or gent for him, Sirius thought – and then wished he hadn’t, as he was now thinking about Hagrid having sex, and oh Merlin’s balls, kill him now. (And never mind Merlin’s balls, he’d seen Hagrid’s, oh gods, why couldn’t he stop thinking about this?)
Thankfully, by this time, Prongs and he had managed to persuade the werewolf that they needed to be headed in a completely different direction, away from… just away. Just. Away. Sirius had stood up Marlene Mackinnon for this. He could have been cuddling by the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room, or up to something more sexy in an unused classroom somewhere. There was a good one on the fifth floor that literally no one but the Marauders ever went to… unless it was a girl with a Marauder, that was. Well. A girl with Sirius. James was hung up on Lily, Peter was seeing that bird in Hufflepuff but all they did was kiss chastely between classes, and Remus? Remus refused to date anyone, pointing out that he couldn’t tell them about his furry little problem and getting close to anyone without telling them that wouldn’t be fair or wise.
“Bad enough you three know,” he had said, leading Sirius to shove him off his own bed in indignation. “No point getting anyone else involved.”
“Especially a girl,” said Peter, with a worldly-wise air that Sirius had done his best not to laugh at.
Remus had agreed, but with a strange awkwardness that Sirius had put down to his usual dislike of sexist comments, but he sometimes wondered whether Remus too didn’t have thoughts about other guys. Sirius liked birds, definitely; but that didn’t mean he hadn’t ever wondered about batting for the other team as well. But not Hagrid, he thought with a shudder, once again visualising the other man stripped bare and having to replace it in his mind hastily with the thought of someone else; it was, of course, only because he’d just been thinking of Remus that his mind turned to him. He’d seen Remus with nothing on often enough, of course; the young man woke up that way from transformations, clothes left neatly on the Shrieking Shack’s bed for when he felt strong enough to pull them on. It wasn’t like being an animagus where your clothes came with you.
And Remus was definitely a darn sight more attractive than… Remus was definitely attractive. He had a strong, lean body, which no one who had only seen him dressed would have guessed at. Clothed, dressed as he normally did, in oversized jumpers and loose-fitting trousers, he looked lanky at best. No one would have guessed at the muscular torso and firm thighs his clothes covered. And… not that Sirius had been looking, obviously, and it wasn’t like it drew attention like – oh Merlin no, he had to stop it with the Hagrid comparisions – but anyway, Remus had a nice cock, okay? And if Sirius had wondered what it might be like to touch it sometimes, well, blokes wondered that sort of thing about one of their best friends all the time, didn’t they?
There’d been that glorious time where they’d all been staying with the Potters, and Sirius and Remus had been sharing a room, and Remus had been less reserved about changing than he usually was in the dormitory (something Sirius always found a bit odd, given that once a month they all saw him in the nude anyway). Sirius had just been relaxing to the point that he’d been thinking that maybe he might suggest to Remus that they might try – well, just making out, or something, when Remus had said firmly that it was time that he went home, insisting that,
“Guests, like fish, start to smell after three days.”
Sirius had sniffed himself indignantly and said, “Speak for yourself! I brought changes of clothes, anyway – and come to that, so did you!”
“I was speaking for myself.” Remus had smiled. “And it’s not a literal saying, Pads. It just means that I don’t want to outstay your welcome.”
“Oh my dear, as if you could,” Euphemia Potter had said warmly, kissing his cheek. “Must you go?”
“Yeah, do you have to?” James asked, disappointed.
But Remus, with a blushing glance at both Euphemia, had nodded.
“I think it would be better. Thanks for having me, Mrs Potter.”
Sirius had just got this far down memory lane when he realised that James was prodding him in a sensitive part of his anatomy with his antlers to try and get him to move. When he looked round, the stag jerked his head towards the sky and Sirius realised that the night was turning to morning and it was time that the lot of them were returning to the Shack. The four Marauders, that was. Hagrid would hopefully stay out of sight, even if he couldn’t stay out of mind, as far as Sirius was concerned.
However, he found as they all turned back as the moon set that he was not alone.
“My eyes, my eyes,” James moaned dramatically.
Remus, who had just painfully dragged himself from the floor to get his clothes, looked a little offended.
“Am I that terrible to look at?” he asked.
“Ah, Moony, not you. You can moon us any time! But fuck, what do you remember of the night?” James asked.
“Jamie! I’ve been trying to forget,” Sirius whined.
“Naked! He was naked!” Peter put in.
Sirius got up and helped Remus over to his clothes, denying even to himself that it was a useful chance to get his hands on the other young man’s undressed body.
“Who was na- oh mother Mary,” said Remus, whose mother’s Catholic upbringing came back to him at unexpected moments.
“No, it wasn’t her,” said Sirius, whose sense of humour did the same.
“I don’t remember things clearly when I’m wolfed out, you lot know that,” said Remus slowly, pulling pants on rather to Sirius’s disappointment, “but… Hagrid?”
“Yes.”
“And the centaur?”
“What?” screeched James, who could get impressively high pitched at times.
“I looked back as you were ushering me away, because I think I was convinced there was good prey involved. No one else saw the centaur and Hagrid?”
“I did,” said Peter reluctantly, “but I was hoping it was a hallucination.”
“They were having a nice conversation,” James said firmly, “weren’t they?”
“They were fucking,” said Remus, who could be, thought Sirius, unnecessarily blunt about things sometimes.
“They were having a nice conversation and a cup of tea and the centaur brought him some clothes,” said James, even more firmly, and a little desperately.
“Prongs… they really weren’t,” Peter said.
“Yes,” said James, who looked on the point of pulling out all of his hair and handing it round as trophies to Remus and Peter for causing this much angst, “tea and cakes in the Forest. Very nice. Very Hagrid to have cakes in the Forest in midwinter on a full moon.”
“Dude,” said Sirius, unable to resist when Prongs had got himself in such a tizzy, “Hagrid was doing the full moon, you saw that much yourself. As to his penis, that was doing a mating dance all of its own, and clearly it worked, which is the scary part if you ask me.”
“No one did ask you!” James was getting high pitched again. “No one ever asks you, Sirius, you just tell us!”
“Remus was the one who mentioned fucking,” Sirius said indignantly. “I’m just the one who’s had naked Hagrid penis in my brain all night and had to remove it by thinking about Remus naked.”
“...”
“!!!”
Sirius stopped suddenly, realising what he’d just said. “Um.” The other three were looking at him, Remus half-dressed now, one sock on and the other still held in one hand. “So. You know, as a sort of palate cleanser?”
Apparently, by the way they were still all staring at him, they did not all know. Pete looked shocked and slightly horrified. James had his mouth open and was gaping like a guppy. Remus was looking bewildered, quizzical and not a little embarrassed.
“Pads,” James said slowly, “most people would think of a girl as a palate cleanser. I thought you were supposed to be with Marlene tonight?”
“How would her penis get rid of Hagrid’s?” Sirius asked. “I mean...” he added as the others looked at him with even more bewilderment, “she doesn’t even have a penis obviously. Which is the problem. If you’re trying to stop thinking of one cock, tits aren’t the answer, are they?”
“Well, yes,” said James and Peter together, while,
“You were thinking of my cock?” asked Remus.
“Erm, no?” Sirius said unconvincingly.
“You’re straight,” Remus said, the forgotten sock still hanging from his hand (Sirius was now fixated on the sock to try and stop himself from thinking about how mortified he was by this conversation).
Sirius was tempted to say “erm, no” again, but he thought that maybe he’d better go for something a bit more eloquent than that. How to come out to your mates, he thought ruefully, a “don’t do it this way” guide.
“Yeah, maybe not entirely? I’ve kind of thought for some time that I wouldn’t mind batting for either team, if you get my drift?”
“Given you’ve just been going on about penises, I think we’ve all got your drift,” James said dryly.
“You gonna disown me as a friend now?” Sirius asked, swallowing hard, and trying to make the question sound casual and not needy.
“Yeah, cos I’m just the sort of person who’d ditch their brother because he liked guys, thank you so much for your confidence Mr Padfoot,” James said, standing up to give Sirius a hug. “Twat. Like I care who the fuck you like, s’long as it isn’t the Great Squid.”
“Yeah, as long as you’re not interested in my penis, whatever,” Peter added, clearly not quite as okay about it, but trying hard – which Sirius almost appreciated more.
“Don’t worry, Pete, your virginity’s safe with me,” he teased.
“Moony?” he asked, scared of the answer.
“How could I object?” Remus finally realised he was holding one yellow sock and put it down on the bed, before continuing. “You know,” he said quietly, “I thought ‘they accepted werewolf; I’m not sure whether they’d accept gay werewolf’. But I think maybe you all might? And as to – ooomph...”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence because both Sirius and James had bundled him up in an epic Marauders Hug, leaving him flat on his back on the bed under their combined weight. It was made worse when, slightly hesitantly, Peter joined in. When, finally, they untangled themselves, Remus tried again to finish his sentence.
“And as to thinking of my cock, Sirius, I’d be flattered.” He gave a mischievous grin. “It might excuse some of the less pure thoughts I’ve had about you, after all.”
“Do tell!” Sirius said.
“No!” chorused Peter and James.
“Later,” Remus promised. “For now, I’m getting the feeling that if I made a move to kiss you, you might not object?”
“I definitely would not.” Sirius grinned, turning to Peter. “Two poofters in your dorm, Pete, but looks like you’re pretty safe after all, we’re hot for each other.”
“And just think,” said Peter wickedly, “you have a naked Hagrid to thank for the fact that you found out...”