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firewhiskeyfic2024-04-15 09:47 am
torino10154) wrote in firewhiskeyfic2024-04-15 09:47 am
Entry tags:
ENTRY #3
Title: Commit to the bit, bitch
Author:songquake
I am of legal drinking age in my region: (yes/no) Hard YES
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: Harry Potter, Sex Education. Mostly Otis Milburn, Gilderoy Lockhard, Moaning Myrtle, and Gabe the Ghoul. But ther emay be more as I keep going.
Challenge/Prompts used: Crossing off as I do them:
Gilderoy Lockhart. Sex Ed, Honey, Birds of a Feather, Well-Bred, Total Eclipse (of the Heart)
Summary: THe ghoul – GABE – put his finger into the honey. Part of it came off. Because I dont knwo the difference between a ghoul and a Zombie. *off to wikipedia*
Wow. THAT certainly shifts the direcion of this story. We need to start over. I’m starting with the Sex Ed prompt and bringing in Otis. Imagine Otis from Sex Education as a Hogwarts student durikng Lockinghearts’s time. There might still be a ghoul involved. If so, there iwll be horror involved. I’ve never written horror before. I think.
Rating/Warnings: crack. possible horror if I ever get to the sexy part.
Word count: 1712
Author's Notes (if any): I have committed to the bit. I’m sorry.
COMMIT TO THE BIT, BITCH.
First off, what the fuck is this aptos font as the new default in Word?
(I almost never use word anymore but I continue to use if for FWF because I know how to turn off spellcheck, whichi don’t know how to do yet in Gdocs. Except it doesn’t seem to be turned off here, so I have to go figure out how to get Word to stop correcting my typseos.
Okay, Now the autocorrect is off and i am changing the font to soemthing else, maybe fucking arial.
And this is a job for.... Gilderoy Lockhart!
Gilderoy didt not think that ... he did not appreciate the autocorrectin his early-edition MS Word. He found that it corrected things, words he was certain he was creating better spelings for, like “Gadding with Ghouls” rather than “Gabbing with Ghousl,” when everyonwe knew that Gdding was a better word and anyway conerseing with Ghouls was ghastly. (Actualyo, his editor said that “gadding” was a perfectly foppish word that a gentelwizard such as Gildreou might use to describe his concousrs? intercourse! iwth the Ghouls.
He hadn’t had intercourse with the ghouls, of course, but tauht them all about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the skies up aove,,,, and a thinkg called LOOOOOOOVE!!!
I think that’st two prompts. *scrolls up*
But anywya, it fturns out that SOME ghouls are really sensual and very attentive to listening and catch onto the idea that one catches more lies with honey than vienagar, and oen of them, the one in the WEsalay attic, was courting him.
WEll that would never do. Maybe. The thing as, gilderou was in a bit of a dry spell after all. And the Ghoul – coldnt be botthered to remember his ame, Gildreoy thnks he’ll clal him Gabe the Ghoul – Gabe was interested enough to actually bring honey to him with a face that showed hope thru its grotesquetude.
THe ghoul – GABE – put his finger into the honey. Part of it came off. Because I dont knwo the difference between a ghoul and a Zombie. *off to wikipedia*
Wow. THAT certainly shifts the direcion of this story. We need to start over. I’m starting with the Sex Ed prompt and bringing in Otis. Imagine Otis from Sex Education as a Hogwarts student durikng Lockinghearts’s time. There might still be a ghoul involved. If so, there iwll be horror involved. I’ve never written horror before. I think.
Once upon a time, Otis Milburn and Maeve Wiley were students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Oh, hyou never knew they did majic? WEll, here you go! Otis was jsut as awkward as ever, and Maeve had sorted Ravenclaw. What, you thought Slytherin? Nope. OTIS is the slytherin here. Also he made too many jokes about slytherin’ inside her, so Maeve decked him and went off to snog Hermione Granger.
(This is a much more satisfying vbeginning)
But veroe Maeve fucked off to dyketown, she had encouraged Otis to use the knowledge he’d been accruing as the son aof a hot mamma sex therapist to help out their classmates, becuase you KNOW hogwarts was doing some shady abstinence-only shit and forgetting that heir teens were all perfectlya ble to learn spells without adult intervention adn could wank each other and shag like rabbits without adutl instructuion, as generations had always done. And when she stopped findign “clients” for hm (who paid in cash, sexual faovrs and carefully curated Every Flavour Beans – NO JIZZ flavored ones if you ever wanted to get advice again, thanks) he enlisted the help of Moaning Myrtle, who traded in eeryone’s secrets.
“I have someone who needs your help, Otie.... and he’s a TEACHER!” Myrtle giggled.
“Myrtle. I told you – students only! You knwo that teachers will eventually narc. And also, ew. I wouldn’t ever want to know hwat my techers tet up to sexually. I need to have some distance in order to learn form them, don’t you think?
“What if you weren’t going learn form him anyway?” Myrtle asked.
Otis’s heart sank. It ould only be Trelawney, whose class he’d dropped as soon as he could, or...
“Poor Gilderoy is in a state!” Myrtle squealied.
Otis scoffed and looked at the ceiling. “Please tell me you haven’t toldhim to come,” he said.
“He CAN’T come! THat’s why he needs you!”
Otis eresigned himself to his fate. And hoped for a well-plced Obliviate.
Professor Lockhard arrived only a few minutes later. Otis had cleverly disguised his voice and sequestered himself in a toilet stall.
“I have arrived!” The Professor said. “Is this the plce indeed where teh... sex education” he whispered. “is happenting?”
“Yes,” otis said, his voice deeper than usual, gravellier too. “Go into the unoccupied stall to my left.”
“ooh! Is there a GLORY HOLE?” Lockhard excliamed with joy.
Otis shuddered. “That’s not the kind of service we provide,” he said. “Myrtle said... you’ve been having some problems?”
“SHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Professor lockhard said. “We cant have anyone hearing us!”
Otis sighed heafilty. “Do you want ehlp or not? Nobody comes ot htis loo because hey know Myrtles gossipy, but also Myrtle already knows youre secret, that’s how you’re here. So if you wnt help, you’ll hvae to give me somethng to work with.”
“Call em Gilderoy,” Lockhard said.
“I realy don’t feel comfortable with that.”
“well, what should I call YOU?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, call me Profesor strangelove. I’ll teach you how tot stop worrying and love whatever you’re into.”
“Een if it’s a ghoul?”
Otis paused. This was a bit mroe RACK than SSC, which is what he always used as the metric for advising student kinksters. But Lockhard is an adult, so... “Why not? Theres no shame here.”
The thing is, if you didn’t know, that ghouls liked to eat peoole, and sometimes did a thing where they shape-shifted into something that was ttractive to the person they were hunting.
“HIs name is Gary. I think. I call him Gary, at leats, Gary the Ghoul, with whom I can gad about. And... well, are there any sexy things we could do that start with the hard G sound? Becuase i do love some alliteration.”
Thankfully, Otis had his sex slang dictionary with him in his rucksack. “You could grind, gobble off, show a glad-on, or gang, but I don’t think alliterative sexual acts are why you’re here with me today.”
Lockhard paused. “No, I suppose not.” He took a moment. “The thing about Gary is, he can transform to look like anyone – he could be the giant squid and wrpa me up and penetrate in so many ways.”
“He could,” Otis conceded. “Is that how he’s seducing you?”
“Oh,no,” said Lockhart. “He’s offering me the chance to copulate wiht... ME.”
“Is that a fantasy you have, then?” Otis asked. He wasn’t even a little surprised.
“OH yes,” Lockhart said. “I am so lovely, and I’ve never found a partner who queit ‘takes care of himse;f’ to my standards, if you knwo ahwa ti mean.” He paused. “I suppoes the problem is that even though I don’t REALLY gad about with ghouls too much, I do know that hte sexual act is usually the prelude to the, er, devouring act.” He shudered audibly.
“tell me more about that,” said Otis, wincing as the words left his mouth.
“well, I AM so well-bred, I know I soujld be a delight to make love to – especially with all ht egrooming I do and that I think Gary would do for me.”
“no, tell me about the devouring. WHat do you think about that?”
GLockhard paused again. “It sounds amazing. but I dont think I want to die.”
:Wats amazing about it?”
“The being desired so much that I’m irresisttable, I’m consumable, I get consumed.”
“You like the diea of being devoured, at least a little.” Otis swore he woudl FIND Maeve and make her or her sweet hoeny obliviate him s soon as this was done. :YOu liek feeling overhwelmed and out of control,”
“NOt most of the time!” Lockhart protested.
“But with Gary?”
“With Gary... yes. I wnt him to gobble not just my cock but my whole person.”
“It soudns liek you want to be eclipsed – just for a little bit.” Otis paused. “How do you feeel about Bonnie Tyler?”
“I relate, but she’s a lady, so...”
“Yeah, I know.Not quite your cp of tea. I suppose i wonder if you are finding yoruself in lve with this Gary, or if you just want him to annihilate ou for a mitues?”
That was a mistake.
“turn around, every now and then i get a little bit restless adn I dream of soemthing wild.. Gary does have bright eyes...”
“Gary has whatever eyes he thinks you WATN him to have, Profesor. Remember ghousl are shape-shifters!!!”
“So waht shoud I do?”
Otis took a long breath. “If you thnk you can negotiate with him, if you think he’ll respect it, you need to have a safeword. You could even make it trigger magic – like a safeword-activated protkey into St Mungo’s or something.”
“St Mungo[s can’t know!”
“Or somewhere else, then. Or have a safeword that triggers a spell that propels him away from you.” Otis took a moment to addd, “You’re the adult, the defence master here, afeter all. I’m sure you can work out an escape.”
“What else could I do?”
“you could coat yourself in a honey laced with potion, that wouldmake Gary’s teeth hurt if he tried to chew you. Youd need to go to Professor Snape for that; I odn’t now if such a potion exists. but this isn’t what I’d recommend – it’s not really ethical to try to seduce a reature withthe plan to hurt htem.”
“But he’d EAT ME.”
“Which you kind of want. Another ethcical thing coud be to let him eat you .... But if you wnat my real advice, it’s to find a human who can tolerate your narcissism and is wiling to do polyjuice.”
Otis thought for anotehr moemnt. “And you cold also offer to polyjuice into them. See if you can find a companion among a local gorup of narcissists. Birds of a feather adn all. It should be easy to find someotne willing to do a polyjuice swap.”
Author:
songquakeI am of legal drinking age in my region: (yes/no) Hard YES
Pairing(s)/Characters/Fandom: Harry Potter, Sex Education. Mostly Otis Milburn, Gilderoy Lockhard, Moaning Myrtle, and Gabe the Ghoul. But ther emay be more as I keep going.
Challenge/Prompts used: Crossing off as I do them:
Summary: THe ghoul – GABE – put his finger into the honey. Part of it came off. Because I dont knwo the difference between a ghoul and a Zombie. *off to wikipedia*
Wow. THAT certainly shifts the direcion of this story. We need to start over. I’m starting with the Sex Ed prompt and bringing in Otis. Imagine Otis from Sex Education as a Hogwarts student durikng Lockinghearts’s time. There might still be a ghoul involved. If so, there iwll be horror involved. I’ve never written horror before. I think.
Rating/Warnings: crack. possible horror if I ever get to the sexy part.
Word count: 1712
Author's Notes (if any): I have committed to the bit. I’m sorry.
COMMIT TO THE BIT, BITCH.
First off, what the fuck is this aptos font as the new default in Word?
(I almost never use word anymore but I continue to use if for FWF because I know how to turn off spellcheck, whichi don’t know how to do yet in Gdocs. Except it doesn’t seem to be turned off here, so I have to go figure out how to get Word to stop correcting my typseos.
Okay, Now the autocorrect is off and i am changing the font to soemthing else, maybe fucking arial.
And this is a job for.... Gilderoy Lockhart!
Gilderoy didt not think that ... he did not appreciate the autocorrectin his early-edition MS Word. He found that it corrected things, words he was certain he was creating better spelings for, like “Gadding with Ghouls” rather than “Gabbing with Ghousl,” when everyonwe knew that Gdding was a better word and anyway conerseing with Ghouls was ghastly. (Actualyo, his editor said that “gadding” was a perfectly foppish word that a gentelwizard such as Gildreou might use to describe his concousrs? intercourse! iwth the Ghouls.
He hadn’t had intercourse with the ghouls, of course, but tauht them all about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and the skies up aove,,,, and a thinkg called LOOOOOOOVE!!!
I think that’st two prompts. *scrolls up*
But anywya, it fturns out that SOME ghouls are really sensual and very attentive to listening and catch onto the idea that one catches more lies with honey than vienagar, and oen of them, the one in the WEsalay attic, was courting him.
WEll that would never do. Maybe. The thing as, gilderou was in a bit of a dry spell after all. And the Ghoul – coldnt be botthered to remember his ame, Gildreoy thnks he’ll clal him Gabe the Ghoul – Gabe was interested enough to actually bring honey to him with a face that showed hope thru its grotesquetude.
THe ghoul – GABE – put his finger into the honey. Part of it came off. Because I dont knwo the difference between a ghoul and a Zombie. *off to wikipedia*
Wow. THAT certainly shifts the direcion of this story. We need to start over. I’m starting with the Sex Ed prompt and bringing in Otis. Imagine Otis from Sex Education as a Hogwarts student durikng Lockinghearts’s time. There might still be a ghoul involved. If so, there iwll be horror involved. I’ve never written horror before. I think.
Once upon a time, Otis Milburn and Maeve Wiley were students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Oh, hyou never knew they did majic? WEll, here you go! Otis was jsut as awkward as ever, and Maeve had sorted Ravenclaw. What, you thought Slytherin? Nope. OTIS is the slytherin here. Also he made too many jokes about slytherin’ inside her, so Maeve decked him and went off to snog Hermione Granger.
(This is a much more satisfying vbeginning)
But veroe Maeve fucked off to dyketown, she had encouraged Otis to use the knowledge he’d been accruing as the son aof a hot mamma sex therapist to help out their classmates, becuase you KNOW hogwarts was doing some shady abstinence-only shit and forgetting that heir teens were all perfectlya ble to learn spells without adult intervention adn could wank each other and shag like rabbits without adutl instructuion, as generations had always done. And when she stopped findign “clients” for hm (who paid in cash, sexual faovrs and carefully curated Every Flavour Beans – NO JIZZ flavored ones if you ever wanted to get advice again, thanks) he enlisted the help of Moaning Myrtle, who traded in eeryone’s secrets.
“I have someone who needs your help, Otie.... and he’s a TEACHER!” Myrtle giggled.
“Myrtle. I told you – students only! You knwo that teachers will eventually narc. And also, ew. I wouldn’t ever want to know hwat my techers tet up to sexually. I need to have some distance in order to learn form them, don’t you think?
“What if you weren’t going learn form him anyway?” Myrtle asked.
Otis’s heart sank. It ould only be Trelawney, whose class he’d dropped as soon as he could, or...
“Poor Gilderoy is in a state!” Myrtle squealied.
Otis scoffed and looked at the ceiling. “Please tell me you haven’t toldhim to come,” he said.
“He CAN’T come! THat’s why he needs you!”
Otis eresigned himself to his fate. And hoped for a well-plced Obliviate.
Professor Lockhard arrived only a few minutes later. Otis had cleverly disguised his voice and sequestered himself in a toilet stall.
“I have arrived!” The Professor said. “Is this the plce indeed where teh... sex education” he whispered. “is happenting?”
“Yes,” otis said, his voice deeper than usual, gravellier too. “Go into the unoccupied stall to my left.”
“ooh! Is there a GLORY HOLE?” Lockhard excliamed with joy.
Otis shuddered. “That’s not the kind of service we provide,” he said. “Myrtle said... you’ve been having some problems?”
“SHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Professor lockhard said. “We cant have anyone hearing us!”
Otis sighed heafilty. “Do you want ehlp or not? Nobody comes ot htis loo because hey know Myrtles gossipy, but also Myrtle already knows youre secret, that’s how you’re here. So if you wnt help, you’ll hvae to give me somethng to work with.”
“Call em Gilderoy,” Lockhard said.
“I realy don’t feel comfortable with that.”
“well, what should I call YOU?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, call me Profesor strangelove. I’ll teach you how tot stop worrying and love whatever you’re into.”
“Een if it’s a ghoul?”
Otis paused. This was a bit mroe RACK than SSC, which is what he always used as the metric for advising student kinksters. But Lockhard is an adult, so... “Why not? Theres no shame here.”
The thing is, if you didn’t know, that ghouls liked to eat peoole, and sometimes did a thing where they shape-shifted into something that was ttractive to the person they were hunting.
“HIs name is Gary. I think. I call him Gary, at leats, Gary the Ghoul, with whom I can gad about. And... well, are there any sexy things we could do that start with the hard G sound? Becuase i do love some alliteration.”
Thankfully, Otis had his sex slang dictionary with him in his rucksack. “You could grind, gobble off, show a glad-on, or gang, but I don’t think alliterative sexual acts are why you’re here with me today.”
Lockhard paused. “No, I suppose not.” He took a moment. “The thing about Gary is, he can transform to look like anyone – he could be the giant squid and wrpa me up and penetrate in so many ways.”
“He could,” Otis conceded. “Is that how he’s seducing you?”
“Oh,no,” said Lockhart. “He’s offering me the chance to copulate wiht... ME.”
“Is that a fantasy you have, then?” Otis asked. He wasn’t even a little surprised.
“OH yes,” Lockhart said. “I am so lovely, and I’ve never found a partner who queit ‘takes care of himse;f’ to my standards, if you knwo ahwa ti mean.” He paused. “I suppoes the problem is that even though I don’t REALLY gad about with ghouls too much, I do know that hte sexual act is usually the prelude to the, er, devouring act.” He shudered audibly.
“tell me more about that,” said Otis, wincing as the words left his mouth.
“well, I AM so well-bred, I know I soujld be a delight to make love to – especially with all ht egrooming I do and that I think Gary would do for me.”
“no, tell me about the devouring. WHat do you think about that?”
GLockhard paused again. “It sounds amazing. but I dont think I want to die.”
:Wats amazing about it?”
“The being desired so much that I’m irresisttable, I’m consumable, I get consumed.”
“You like the diea of being devoured, at least a little.” Otis swore he woudl FIND Maeve and make her or her sweet hoeny obliviate him s soon as this was done. :YOu liek feeling overhwelmed and out of control,”
“NOt most of the time!” Lockhart protested.
“But with Gary?”
“With Gary... yes. I wnt him to gobble not just my cock but my whole person.”
“It soudns liek you want to be eclipsed – just for a little bit.” Otis paused. “How do you feeel about Bonnie Tyler?”
“I relate, but she’s a lady, so...”
“Yeah, I know.Not quite your cp of tea. I suppose i wonder if you are finding yoruself in lve with this Gary, or if you just want him to annihilate ou for a mitues?”
That was a mistake.
“turn around, every now and then i get a little bit restless adn I dream of soemthing wild.. Gary does have bright eyes...”
“Gary has whatever eyes he thinks you WATN him to have, Profesor. Remember ghousl are shape-shifters!!!”
“So waht shoud I do?”
Otis took a long breath. “If you thnk you can negotiate with him, if you think he’ll respect it, you need to have a safeword. You could even make it trigger magic – like a safeword-activated protkey into St Mungo’s or something.”
“St Mungo[s can’t know!”
“Or somewhere else, then. Or have a safeword that triggers a spell that propels him away from you.” Otis took a moment to addd, “You’re the adult, the defence master here, afeter all. I’m sure you can work out an escape.”
“What else could I do?”
“you could coat yourself in a honey laced with potion, that wouldmake Gary’s teeth hurt if he tried to chew you. Youd need to go to Professor Snape for that; I odn’t now if such a potion exists. but this isn’t what I’d recommend – it’s not really ethical to try to seduce a reature withthe plan to hurt htem.”
“But he’d EAT ME.”
“Which you kind of want. Another ethcical thing coud be to let him eat you .... But if you wnat my real advice, it’s to find a human who can tolerate your narcissism and is wiling to do polyjuice.”
Otis thought for anotehr moemnt. “And you cold also offer to polyjuice into them. See if you can find a companion among a local gorup of narcissists. Birds of a feather adn all. It should be easy to find someotne willing to do a polyjuice swap.”
no subject
Fantastic. I love the alliterative sex acts joke and that Gilderoy is love with a ghoul but all too ware of the dangers.
Excellent fic all around.
no subject
Also he made too many jokes about slytherin’ inside her, so Maeve decked him and went off to snog Hermione Granger.
(This is a much more satisfying vbeginning) I AGREE--So much fun!!!
But my fave part was the conversation in the bathroom!!! Right from the start:
“Go into the unoccupied stall to my left.”
“ooh! Is there a GLORY HOLE?” Lockhard excliamed with joy. BAH HAH HAH HAH!
I especially liked “He’s offering me the chance to copulate wiht... ME.” That is one smart ghoul!!! And poor Otis: Otis swore he woudl FIND Maeve and make her or her sweet hoeny obliviate him s soon as this was done.
no subject
Bwahaha!
I love Firewhiskey so much.
This is just pure essence of Firewhiskey.
Ha!
This was fantastic!
no subject
"Oh, for fuck's sake, call me Profesor strangelove. I'll teach you how tot stop worrying and love whatever you're into."
"Een if it's a ghoul?"
Hee, love that little in-joke! And it really doesn't surprise me that Gilderoy is into that kind of thing. It actually makes sense that he'd be most attracted to himself.
Also, I love how the ghoul's name changes midway through the fic. :D
no subject
no subject
ANYWAY, love the shift after the trip to wikipedia and CLEARLY Otis knows Lockhart (or his type) well. LOL This whole fic brought new meaning to eat you up (or out tbh). Just all around fantastic.
no subject
no subject