I am so anxious today. My chest hurts. My tongue is numb.

I have a valid reason for my anxiety. Jasper's surgery is soon. This Thursday. I am so afraid. I regret Miso's surgery last year. Even though it was the best chance we had of him living to see six years of age. Unfortunately he was one of ten percent of cats who don't survive multiple urinary tract blockage followed by PU surgery.

This is a different thing but in some ways it's the same. Money is tight. The cat is ill and it all comes down to this treatment.

I also feel bad they have to open the healed area to reopen it. But even if they'd found it earlier we would have had to wait because cats should not go under more than once in a month.

Especially a senior boy with kidney disease.

I want to believe they will successfully remove all the melanoma cells. That they will be successful.

That a few weeks from now I'll be blogging about something random maybe my thoughts on anime or books or literally anything with Jazzy beside me like he is right now. Nori and Boo next to him. My three cat boys having a sleep while their sister plots world domination for endless supplies of ice cream and macaroni noodles.

But I'm scared. Is it my anxiety disorder? Maybe yes? Maybe no.

I'm finally caught up on comments!

Let's see:

Jasper has surgery on Thursday to hopefully remove the rest of the melanoma which hopefully isn't spreading elsewhere. The lab gave it a 20 percent chance of moving elsewhere. But then again the biopsy was an abundance of caution from the optometrist vet and only had a 15 percent or so chance of being cancerous.

Poor Jasper and I.

He's been in good spirits. His weight is back up but we'd like it if he'd gain a pound. He's a thin mint. He's been curling up and cuddling more since we had to evacuate in October because of hurricane Milton and that trend has continued. No hard feelings from the first surgery and that will hopefully continue with this second one.

I'm preparing for his surgery by trying to change my sleeping schedule so someone is with Jasper at all times. Ian doesn't have off work this time so it'll be a little trickier but thankfully he works from home.

Thinking about making a play pen type thing for him because he's unsteady and frail without meds but becomes extra unsteady on meds.

I got my birthday presents in the mail, and have happily enjoyed the manga for nichijou,
and looking forward to reading the two history books.

Spent some time playing dreamlight valley. Love the Cheshire cat!

I really need some new media my muse is pretty much dead.

Saw the gif of Billie Piper becoming the Doctor it's shame Doctor Who sucks and makes no sense otherwise I would be incoherent with delight. Love me some Billie Piper and in the hands of someone wanting to tell a good story you could do interesting things with that.

I think I'd pick a point and have the Timeless Child be a trap by the Master because that whole thing started the convoluted nonsense that is currently canon. Plus the Master being endlessly tortured as a child in order to have regenerations stolen from him would have made more sense. Given some depth to his crazy. A reason for him to destroy everything.

But supposedly it's cancelled.

Afraid to look at my friends page. Tumblr has been full of people lately that are cool with parroting terrorists phrases being cool with people being killed for being Jewish. I have blocked so soooo many people.

So we went to the vet on Wednesday to discuss Jasper's whole health with our primary vet. We trust him a lot because he's been our vet for 13 plus years now.

Our vet said that with Jasper's kidney disease (early stage 1) he wouldn't recommend going to an oncologist for treatments as both radiation and chemo may put to much strain on our boys kidneys.

He sent an email to our optometrist who did Jasper's surgery about the risks of going in again to try and remove the additional melanoma cells. And got back to us that day recommending the surgery to hopefully be able to remove the additional melanoma.

Apparently diffuse iris melanoma doesn't grow back often and it's risk of moving elsewhere is also low.

So next Thursday, Jasper goes back in for surgery.

Hopefully they can save him.

I want to have hope. I'm never ready to say goodbye to my cats. And I want Jasper to live as long as he can. To beat kidney disease and Cancer for as long as possible.

At the vet's office I also got to meet a five week old kitten, that our vet rescued! Omg she was the tiniest little thing.

Jasper than bit me in jealousy! I have my hands full with Jasper, Boo, Bitsy and Nori though!